


We Know That We Need, But Not What

by VTsuion



Series: A Not So Simple Feeling [1]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Awkward Dates, Character Development, Drama, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Star Trek I: The Motion Picture, Romulans, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2020-09-25 19:22:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20376811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VTsuion/pseuds/VTsuion
Summary: Kirk is back in command of the Enterprise with Spock by his side. Everything is as it should be, but old habits die hard and a lot has changed in just two and a half years.





	1. Prologue

“You can stay with me, if you want,” Jim suggested. He was obviously attempting to make it sound like a casual offer, but his hopefulness proved difficult to hide. “We won’t be on Earth for very long anyway. I’ve even got a guest bedroom if you want some privacy,” he tacked on, though it was clear from his tone that he preferred the alternative.

Spock surveyed the large, empty apartment. With minimal furniture and nothing decorating the walls, his eyes were inevitably drawn to the large window on the far wall that overlooked the city, the bay, and the hills beyond. If he stood next to it and looked directly down, he could see the edge of Starfleet Headquarters.

“Rank has its privileges,” Spock remarked with the subtle suggestion of a teasing smile.

Jim grinned back at him, confident that if nothing else, the view alone was enough to win Spock over.

Spock’s expression turned serious. He hesitated. “If you are certain that my presence would not inconvenience you, I would be amenable to residing here until we receive our next assignment.”

For all his confidence, a weight seemed to fall off Jim’s shoulders. “Of course not,” he insisted. “It’ll be a relief - I’ve gotten used to having you around.” He flashed Spock an eager, charming smile, full of affectionate mischief.

Their hands came together by no independent will of their own, and a heady rush of emotion passed between them.

“Come on,” Jim said with a grin, still holding Spock’s hand, letting all of his almost overwhelming emotions and thoughts rush through the contact. “You haven’t seen the bedroom yet.”

* * *

Jim struggled with his new tunic, white and grey with the four gold stripes of an admiral on the sleeve, trying to get it to fit right. “Why did they have to change the uniforms?” He exclaimed in exasperation.

“There have been advances in-” Spock began.

Jim cut him off with a glare, though it didn’t hold any real heat. He gave Spock a once-over, also changed from his usual science blue to a jumpsuit in a lighter shade. “They aren’t nearly as flattering,” Jim teased with a nod at Spock’s old uniform, neatly folded on the bed.

Spock quirked an eyebrow at him. “The function of a uniform is to be practical, not ‘flattering.’” Though after a pause, he admitted, “However, I do find that I likewise prefer your original uniform.”

Jim grinned at Spock - he considered that a victory.

* * *

“I can’t believe it!” Jim strode into their apartment and collapsed into a chair. “Not a word about the  _ Enterprise _ for weeks and now I hear they’ve called her in for a refit! There’s nothing wrong with her! Why waste the resources?”

Spock glanced up from his work. “I presume that means our departure has been delayed?”

Jim frowned. “They won’t hear a word about it. The refit will take at least a year, if everything goes smoothly” - and they both knew there was no chance that was going to happen. Jim sighed. “Maybe we should start thinking about another ship.”

“That may be the logical course of action,” Spock acknowledged.

Jim pounded his fist on the table in frustration. “Not that I have time with all the paperwork!”

Spock raised his eyebrows in carefully controlled disbelief.

Jim glanced over and noticed his partner’s discomfort. “Sorry, Spock,” he said with a sheepish smile, “It’s just frustrating being on the ground when there’s so much more we could be doing out there.” He leaned back in his chair and let his eyes fall shut, as though he could visualize himself back into outer space.

Eventually, he came back down to Earth and turned to Spock. “Want to play a game of chess?” he asked with a smile.

Spock put aside his work. “I believe we could both benefit from the mental exercise.”

* * *

Jim tossed and turned in bed. He knew he was keeping Spock awake - hell, he was keeping himself awake, when he actually needed the sleep before going back to headquarters bright and early in the morning. But he just couldn’t get comfortable. He ran the conversations over and over in his mind, trying to figure out what arguments he could make that would finally convince them.

Finally, Spock sat up and rested a hand on Jim’s shoulder. “Jim, what is troubling you?”

Jim groaned in frustration and forced himself upright, a little more roughly than perhaps was strictly necessary. He rubbed his face as though he could wipe off his frustrations.

“Sometimes it feels like they’re never going to give me back my command,” Jim finally admitted. “‘Admirals don’t usually get field positions’ - well I’m not a damn admiral!”

“You are, technically, an admiral, Jim,” Spock said, with a touch of impatience.

Jim turned on him. “You think I don’t know that?” Jim demanded. “It’s supposed to be an honorary title, but they’re treating me like I’m their damn secretary!”

Spock sat stony faced, either unable or uncertain how to respond.

Jim let his head fall into his hands, breathing hard. “I just don’t know what to do,” he muttered. “I can’t spend the rest of my life stuck on Earth.”

* * *

“They won’t even listen to me!” Jim ranted. “They know they need me up there, but they refuse-!”

Spock watched him from across the table with a faint frown, but it was his inhuman stiffness that conveyed everything Jim needed to know.

“Have you even been trying to get us back out there?” Jim demanded.

Spock took another leisurely sip of some exoctic fruit juice before he deigned to reply, “It may be time for you to seek alternatives.”

“Like what?” Jim snapped. “That’s easy for you to say! I’m sure they’d give you a whole planet if you asked!”

Spock raised his eyebrows at him in measured disapproval.

Jim let out a long sigh. Finally, he stood. “I need some air.”

Spock watched with his sharp Vulcan gaze as Jim stalked out the door.

* * *

Spock sat in the living room, poring over another scientific paper. But it was difficult to read over the sound of his former captain growling to himself and pacing across their apartment like a caged animal. Spock did not expect the human to be logical, but in this state, he may not have even been fit for command.

It would have been sad, had Spock allowed himself the feeling, but clearly he had underestimated the danger of emotion.

Spock stood and, without a glance at his former captain, retreated into the guestroom with the faint intention of gathering his few belongings.


	2. Chapter 2

“Admiral Kirk, you have been assigned to remain on the USS  _ Enterprise _ and serve as its captain for its next five year mission,” the fleet admiral declared from the  _ Enterprise _ viewscreen.

James Kirk couldn’t hold back a smile. After two and a half long years of fighting tooth and nail, the  _ Enterprise _ was finally properly his once again. “Thank you, sir,” Kirk said as calmly as he could.

He glanced over his shoulder at Mr. Spock, impossibly back where he belonged at Kirk’s side. A skeptical quirk of his eyebrow was the only response Kirk received, but he could see the trace of a smile across Spock’s face.

Kirk turned back to face the viewscreen. “Sir, as the captain of the USS  _ Enterprise _ , I would like to request Commander Spock as my first officer.”

The fleet admiral gave Kirk a wary look, like he was pushing his luck, but he replied, “Request approved.”

Kirk’s smile broke into a grin. “Thank you sir.”

The fleet admiral continued, “After the V’Ger incident, there have been some disturbances on the border, mostly the Klingons, but we’d be surprised if the Romulans passed up the opportunity to try something. Your inaugural mission is to patrol the Neutral Zone, make sure they know we’re still here, and if they’re up to anything, put a stop to it.”

Kirk nodded in acknowledgement. “Yes, sir.”

“Good luck, Captain.” With that, the fleet admiral signed off. His image on the viewscreen gave way to the open expanse of space.

“Mr. Sulu, bearing one eleven mark fourteen - give her warp seven,” Kirk ordered and leaned back in the captain’s chair to watch the stars race by in glowing streaks.

He let out a sigh of contentment as his gaze swept around the bridge of  _ his _ ship. It wasn’t quite the same as he remembered, wasn’t familiar yet, but he would rectify that soon enough. What mattered was that he had made it back - they made it back.

He looked up at Spock, standing at his shoulder, almost as though he had never left. The half-Vulcan watched everything with a faintly bemused expression, as though he was humoring them all with his presence. But he wouldn’t be there if he didn’t want to be. Somehow, he had returned to Kirk’s side.

Kirk grinned at his first officer, a little more helplessly than he would care to admit. Spock’s eyes flickered down to meet his and Jim felt a rush of warmth. But Spock had already moved on, his piercing gaze fixed upon the viewscreen ahead of them. Then, with a single decisive movement, he turned around and went back to the science station behind the captain’s chair.

They weren’t on a pleasure cruise and Kirk wasn’t one to sit idle for long, even as they passed through open space. He turned around one last time to glance over at Spock, but his dutiful science officer was busy with whatever he was working on, and besides Kirk had a ship to refamiliarize himself with.

He picked up a PADD and dove into the virtual pile of technical manuals with gusto. He remained submerged for the next few hours, surfacing only to make minor adjustments to their course. Finally, his shoulders, aching from bending over the screen, demanded that he sit properly upright. He stretched his arms above his head and rolled his neck. A tired groan earned him a sympathetic glance from Uhura, but nothing more. Spock hadn’t moved since Kirk last looked up.

“Adjust bearing, seven mark two,” Kirk ordered.

Just as Sulu made to comply, Spock cut in, “Captain, I believe that course would be four point one percent less efficient than our current heading.”

Kirk’s whole body tensed at the interruption. He turned around in his chair to give Commander Spock a pointed glare. The Vulcan sat at his station facing the helm, defiance in his firmly set eyes, his posture ramrod straight. He would not budge and Kirk was sorely tempted to make him.

But Kirk had gone this way before. It hadn’t worked then and it wouldn’t work now. He could compete with Spock even less than he could compete with Decker. And this was  _ Spock _ . He knew what he was talking about if anyone did.

Finally, Kirk turned back around to face the helm. “Belay that order, Mr. Sulu,” he said, “Continue on the current course.”

“Yes, sir,” Sulu replied without argument.

Kirk settled back in his chair and, with a final glance up at the helm, forced himself to return to his manuals.

Admiral Kirk read for a few more hours before they finally came into range of the nearest outpost on the edge of the Neutral Zone.

He gestured for Uhura to open a channel. “Admiral Kirk to outpost six.”

The image of a man in an austere office appeared on the viewscreen. “Finally,” the outpost’s commander exclaimed by way of greeting. “You’d think the whole Federation blinked out-”

“We’re here now,” Kirk cut short the commander’s rant. “Have you noticed any activity from the Romulans?”

The commander grimaced. “Not exactly,” he admitted, “But I swear they’re up to something. We all feel a lot safer now that we’ve got a starship, that’s for sure.”

“Just a moment,” Kirk protested, though he tried to keep his tone light. “You don’t  _ have _ a starship; we’re here to patrol the Neutral Zone. Report any unusual incidents directly to me. If anything happens you can send a distress call and we’ll answer it.”

“By then it’ll be too late!” the commander insisted. “We haven’t seen any Romulan ships, but I swear they’ve been here. They’re like ghosts on the sensors; one moment something’s there, the next it’s gone, and it’s happened too many times to be a coincidence. They could attack and we wouldn’t even know they’re there until it’s too late!

“They’ve been tampering with our computers too. There have been glitches, just little things, but something’s been worming around in the system. Mark my word, Admiral, they’ve noticed the blackout just like we did and they’re using it to prepare for an invasion!”

“If the Romulans are preparing to invade, that’s all the more reason for us to patrol the sector and let them know we’re here,” Kirk replied, his arms crossed over his chest. “We’re not here to act as your personal guard dog.”

“But Admiral-”

Spock interrupted, “Sir, if a Romulan vessel has frequently passed by this outpost, it would be logical to do as the commander suggests and remain here, as it is likely it will return.”

“Exactly,” the man exclaimed.

Kirk’s hands clenched the arms of his chair. “Our mission is to defend the whole sector, not just one outpost,” he said with every intention of ending the discussion there.

Undeterred, Spock retorted, “I am aware. The Romulans have taken the Federation’s absence from the Neutral Zone as a sign of weakness. The most efficient way to deter them is with an immediate show of strength. Therefore, the optimal course of action is to remain where we are and allow them to come to us.”

Kirk turned to face Spock. “We will patrol the Neutral Zone. Have I made myself clear?”

“Your insistence on a suboptimal course of action is not rational.” Spock raised his chin, proud and unfeeling as a proper Vulcan.

“That’s an order, Commander,” Kirk snapped and turned back to face the viewscreen. “We’ll be in the sector. If anything unusual occurs, report it immediately. Kirk out.”

The screen blinked out.

“I’ll be in my quarters,” Kirk said, and with that he stood and strode off the bridge.

* * *

When at last Spock’s shift was over, Kirk went straight to his first officer’s quarters. He pressed the button by the door and waited, his hands clasped firmly behind his back. He heard the chime sound inside, and then nothing, but he did not budge.

Finally, the door slid open to reveal Spock, adorned in long, dark Vulcan robes that brought out the alien angles in his gaunt face. He seemed to evaluate the admiral, as though he did not need to touch Kirk to assess his thoughts. But whatever he found, it did not ease his skepticism.

At last, he asked, “Captain, is there something you require?”

“Require? No,” Kirk replied with a trace of a rueful smile. “I was wondering... if you wanted to play a game of chess.” He gestured in toward Spock’s quarters and then hastily returned his hands to behind his back.

Spock seemed to consider his words - at least, he took his time in answering. Finally, he said, “Very well,” and led the admiral inside. Kirk could not help but note that Spock’s hands remained safely tucked away, out of reach.

Spock’s quarters were darkly lit. A woven mat lay across the bed, Kirk presumed for meditation. The room was sparsely decorated; only a few of the most practical alien artifacts were displayed upon the shelves.

Spock ordered the light back up to a more typical level and motioned for Kirk to sit at the table, facing away from the rest of the room, as Spock went to retrieve the board. He soon returned and Jim smiled a little at the sight of Spock bearing the familiar three-dimensional chess board.

Spock quirked an eyebrow at him and some of the stiffness in his jaw seemed to fade away.

He offered Kirk the white as was his duty as the host, but Kirk shook his head and let Spock keep it, instead taking the black king from the box.

They arranged their pieces in silence and then the game began.

Spock went first and began setting up his usual strong defense.

Kirk, for his part, played cautiously, waiting for Spock to set the tone.

Spock kept his distance all through the game. He played ruthlessly, sometimes taking piece after piece, but he hardly left his side of the board. When the game was done, he cornered Kirk’s king from afar.

Only then did Spock look back up from the board and meet Kirk’s eyes. “The generous conclusion would be that you are out of practice.”

Kirk pursed his lips, but admitted, “You could say that.”

“Another game?” Spock suggested and made to begin resetting the board.

Kirk smiled a little at the thought, but instead he forced himself to his feet. “I’d prefer a change of scenery. How about the observation deck?” He tried to flash Spock a grin, but the Vulcan seemed unconvinced.

Still, Spock stood and followed Kirk out into the hall, to the nearest turbolift. They found the observation deck empty, as it usually was. Kirk gestured for Spock to lead the way to one of the viewports embedded in the wall. Though Kirk tried to stand beside him, somehow Spock left a couple of feet between them.

Kirk turned to the sea of stars drifting past at unimaginable speed. He’d made it. He was back where he belonged, with Spock back by his side.  _ That _ was what mattered. The past...

Kirk let out a sigh.

“Spock,” he said at last, “What happened?” He tore his eyes away from the endless expanse of space to meet Spock’s pointed questioning gaze. “Why did you go back to Vulcan? I thought you’d accepted your human half.”

“It appeared to be the only logical course of action at the time,” Spock replied calmly, as though he had been expecting such a question. Somehow, Kirk was startled again by how rough and low Spock’s voice had become. “My decision to embrace my human heritage was made based on incomplete information. Just as you demonstrated the strengths of humanity during our five year mission, you enlightened me as to humanity’s weaknesses in our time on Earth. I concluded that the Vulcan way is better and incorrectly assumed that the only way to become a true Vulcan was to undergo Kolinahr and rid myself of all emotion.”

There was no anger or cruelty in Spock’s tone, but the words stung just as much, if not more because of it. Kirk could not meet Spock’s eyes. He fought to keep his voice level - “I understand.” He could not keep a little heat from his voice as he continued, “I assume you’d prefer to transfer to another ship with a less… fallible captain.”

“You misunderstand my intent,” Spock replied almost apologetically.

Kirk hazarded a glance up at Spock’s face, and found himself trapped by Spock’s sharp gaze, unable to look away. The desperation must have shown in Kirk’s eyes, but he kept his head high.

“My feelings for you have not changed, nor do I wish them to,” Spock explained, but Kirk could tell this was no declaration of love. “Without such emotion, I or any Vulcan would be barren as V’Ger was. And I desire to remain by your side, but as a Vulcan, not a human.”

Kirk frowned, but he was not surprised. He should have known a human relationship was too much for Spock. He had tried to go slowly, but apparently it hadn’t been enough - that was the only explanation he could think of for Spock leaving so suddenly.

Still, Kirk snapped, “You should have told me.”

Spock raised an eyebrow at him in confusion.

“You could have just told me you wanted to take it slow - that you wanted to do things the Vulcan way-” Kirk cut himself off and just shook his head. “It doesn’t matter now.”

“There is no logic in regretting that which cannot be changed,” Spock said, though it did little to reassure Kirk.

Spock seemed to take pity on him and held out a hand, his first two fingers extended in a once familiar gesture.

Kirk’s eyes widened in surprise. Hesitantly, he held out his hand to mirror Spock’s and let Spock bring their fingers together. Kirk felt a jolt of warmth as they touched.


	3. Chapter 3

“Not a trace of the Romulans, as far as we could tell,” Scotty reported as Kirk relieved him of the captain’s chair.

Kirk nodded. “Set course for outpost five - I want to get to them all.”

“Sir, with all due respect, I believe we’re closer to outpost seven now,” Sulu said.

Kirk tensed, but he knew better. He kept his voice level as he answered, “Thank you. Plot the most efficient route, helmsman. And I want to check on any Federation planets along the way.”

“Yes, sir.” Sulu complied.

The story on outpost seven was the same as on six: “We haven’t seen any Romulans, but I don’t know who else could be scattering the sensors and breaking into our computers.”

After Kirk signed off, Spock remarked, “Captain, it is illogical to waste time searching for the Romulans when we know where they have been already and are likely to return.”

“We don’t know that, Commander,” Kirk snapped before he could stop himself.

“It is only logical.” Spock sounded exasperated with his foolishness.

“I’m not going to wait around an outpost until the Romulans happen to show up! We’re here to patrol and gather information and that’s what we’re going to do,” Kirk insisted.

“You are allowing your emotions to interfere with your reason.”

“Your opinion has been noted, Commander.” With that, Kirk turned to face forward and forced himself to take a deep breath. A little more calmly, he ordered, “Mr. Sulu, onto the next outpost.”

If Sulu and Chekov exchanged a glance, Kirk pretended not to notice.

On their way to outpost four, they stopped by a Federation planet, where they were greeted with a less than warm welcome: “No, we haven’t seen anything. If the Romulans were up to something we’d know it. We don’t need a Federation warship interfering with our business.”

“We’re here to help,” Kirk attempted, but to no avail.

Even Spock put in, “It is not logical to refuse our assistance.”

Kirk shot his first officer a warning glare and faced the planet’s head of state on the viewscreen, “If you don’t want our assistance, so be it. We’ll be in the sector if you change your mind, otherwise, you can deal with the Romulans directly.” He signaled for Uhura to close the channel and ordered the helm to continue on their way.

“Jim,” Dr. McCoy cautioned.

Kirk shot him a warning glance too.

Dr. McCoy frowned. “A word, Captain?”

Kirk let out a huff of air and his glare faltered. “I know,” he admitted, “You’re right.” Even though Decker was gone, Jim was still competing with anyone and everyone who questioned his authority, and they both knew it.

“You bet I am,” the doctor retorted.

They continued on to the next outpost. No outpost or Federation planet had much more to report than Kirk had already heard. Some detected more disturbances and others less - all of the incident reports were uploaded into the  _ Enterprise _ computers - but the Romulans had left no concrete evidence of their presence behind.

Kirk called all the senior officers for a conference. Once they were all gathered around the table he declared, “I want answers.”

“All of the glitches and strange readings are probably not a coincidence,” Chekov concluded.

“Thank you, Mr. Chekov,” Kirk replied with a sardonic smile. “Anyone else?”

“They could be leftover from V’Ger,” Uhura suggested.

“I don’t think so,” Scotty said with a shake of his head. “Nowhere else has reported aftershocks like this.”

“The only logical conclusion,” Spock put in, “Is that Romulan vessels have crossed the Neutral Zone and are trespassing on Federation space.”

“Vessels?” Chekov exclaimed. “You mean more than one?”

“Yes,” Spock replied. “I do not believe that only one ship would be capable of causing all of the disturbances reported; multiple disturbances have been reported at distant outposts in exceedingly close succession. Furthermore, if the Romulan Empire truly intends to take advantage of the Federation’s temporary inhibition, it is highly unlikely they would send an invasion force of a single ship.”

Kirk crossed his arms over his chest and took a step toward Spock. “You think this is the beginning of an invasion?”

“Given our knowledge of their history and culture, I find any alternative highly unlikely,” Spock replied. “Unlike humans, Romulans do not allow themselves to be ruled by their passions, but they harness them with warlike notions of duty and glory. They will take any evidence of weakness as an excuse for violence.”

Kirk gave him a skeptical look, but let the insult to humanity slide as he turned the possibility over in his mind. At last he asked, “If you’re right, what would they do next?”

“Once they have ascertained the Federation’s weakness, they will launch a full assault, prioritizing ostentatious prizes such as outposts,” Spock answered.

“What I don’t understand,” Chekov remarked, “Is if they wanted to take an outpost, why wait for a starship to arrive to defend it?”

“Maybe we’re the ‘prize’ they’re after,” Sulu suggested.

Scotty nodded. “Aye, the  _ Enterprise _ would be worthy.”

“You haven’t picked up anything on the sensors?” Kirk glanced between Chekov and Spock.

“No, sir,” Chekov replied.

Scotty peered at Kirk, as though he could see the gears turning in his head. “What is it, sir?”

Kirk shook his head. “Just a hunch.”

Spock’s eyebrows rose in disbelief.

Before anyone else could question him, Kirk said, “Meeting adjourned. Return to your stations.”

Kirk followed the others out of the conference room and back to the bridge.

When his shift was over, Kirk returned to his quarters, but he had more important things to do than sleep. He sat down at the table and ordered, “Computer, I want all the incident reports from the planets and outposts along the Neutral Zone.”

* * *

The next day, they continued going from outpost to outpost. Kirk sat on the bridge, attempting to read more technical manuals as he waited. But somehow as the hours had passed, he started to feel like he was wading through thick, hazy soup, even though the bridge had been nothing but quiet all day - but maybe that was the problem.

He read the sentence again as though he would understand it better after another attempt. It was something about dilithium storage, but what he couldn’t tell. He hadn’t really understood the rest of the paragraph either and he was considering starting the whole section again, or maybe better yet, giving up the whole thing as a bad job.

Finally, he put aside his reading and rubbed at his face to try to wake himself up a little, but he only succeeded at stifling a yawn. He could feel the bridge crew’s eyes on him, even as they worked at their stations. He knew Spock could hear his every move with those sharp Vulcan ears.

Kirk just needed to get up and  _ do _ something. “Spock, you have the con,” he declared, and took a turbo lift down to engineering before anyone could protest.

“Captain, what’re you doing down here?” Scotty exclaimed at the sight of Kirk meandering around the engines.

Kirk gave him a smile. “I’ve been doing some reading and thought I might see the dilithium crystals for myself.”

“Certainly, sir! I’d be happy to show you around,” Scotty said.

“If it isn’t too much trouble.” Kirk gestured for him to lead the way.

“Why the sudden interest in the engines, if you don’t mind my asking?” Scotty remarked as he started across a catwalk, Kirk following close behind.

“A captain should know his ship better than anyone,” Kirk replied, a little more seriously than he had intended.

Scotty nodded in understanding. “That’s what you’ve got us for,” he reminded Kirk.

Kirk grinned, but he was only half joking when he said, “I should be able to run her all on my own if I have to.”

Scotty glanced back at the captain, his skepticism clear, but he didn’t argue.

Kirk followed Scotty around the engine room, asking about anything he could possibly need, until his chief engineer was needed elsewhere. When Kirk was left to his own devices, he continued on a self-guided tour, trying to identify everything mentioned in the manual just in case.

* * *

Kirk waited at the entrance to the ship’s garden. He half expected Spock not to show up. Kirk had no logical excuse for the invitation and there were many more important things they could have both been doing with their time.

But sure enough, just as the hour was about to change, Spock made his appearance. He was still in his pale blue uniform, and when he stopped at the door, he stood at attention, his hands clasped firmly behind his back. Kirk suspected nothing would ever suit Spock quite as well as the old science blues, but the sight of him still made Kirk’s heart leap a little.

Kirk offered Spock his arm with a smile.

Spock gave him a skeptical look - Kirk lowered his arm - but he allowed Kirk to lead him inside.

Kirk had chosen the gardens because they were quiet and peaceful. They passed a few officers here and there, enjoying the greenery on their off hours, but for the most part, the two of them were alone.

Kirk stooped over to smell a bright orange flower in full bloom and held it up a little for Spock to share in its sweet aroma. Spock looked bemused by the gesture, but there was a softness to his expression. Kirk could not help but smile back, the flower forgotten. If he ambled a little closer to Spock as they continued walking, he doubted anyone would mind.

Kirk’s eyes wandered about the alien flowers and trees from across the galaxy, but he never lost sight of Spock at his side. Spock watched him in return with a hint of something almost like a warm smile.

Kirk glanced around to make sure there was no one else in sight and let his hand drift toward Spock’s, his first two fingers extended in the Vulcan way.

But their skin never touched. Spock slipped away as though it was entirely coincidental, as though it were perfectly natural for the two of them to walk with a couple of feet between them. He appeared preoccupied, idly admiring the leaves of a tree. When he turned back to face Kirk, Spock’s gaze had turned passive, as though he were watching him from some distance.

Kirk withdrew his hands behind his back. He tried to force his voice light and neutral. “I just realized there’s an urgent report I still need to get to. I should go.”

Spock turned to face him and gave a shallow nod in understanding. Kirk did not miss how Spock’s gaze had hardened - Kirk reflexively readied for a fight.

“I advise that you take the opportunity to rest,” Spock said. “You have been showing signs of stress and fatigue since you have resumed command.”

“That’s a nice idea in theory, but I don’t have the time,” Kirk snapped.

Spock looked unconvinced. Still, he offered, his expression almost smug, “Is there any way in which I might be of assistance?”

“Following orders would be a start,” Kirk replied before he could stop himself.

Spock raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief. His lips were set in a firm line.

Kirk shook his head and let out a sigh. Finally, he looked back up at Spock and said, meaning every word, “It’s more than enough just to have you back. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Spock seemed to regard Kirk with some curiosity, as though he was some strange creature, which maybe a human was to a Vulcan.

“I am grateful I was able to return in time,” Spock remarked at last and left it at that.

Kirk hesitated. “I should go.”

Spock made no move to stop him.

Kirk went straight down to sickbay to see if Dr. McCoy couldn’t find a cure for his ills.

He found Bones in his office. The doctor smiled at the sight of him, but that quickly faded as he saw Kirk’s sheepish expression, and gave way to a wary glare.

Kirk let out a sigh.

“First Decker, now Spock,” Bones remarked, “I see things haven’t changed a bit.”

Kirk shook his head. “It’s not about that.”

Bones gave him a look that said it certainly was. Still, he said, “Well, don’t leave me in suspense.”

“It’s Spock,” Kirk explained. He hesitated. “Maybe you’re right; I’m still... getting back into things. And I thought Spock was back to normal, but maybe he’s still figuring it all out too.”

Bones nodded along as though he’d expected as much. “You want to know something? I’ve had Spock in here a few times since he reappeared out of the blue in the middle of the ‘V’Ger incident.’ You want to guess how all of his readings have been?”

Kirk had a guess - he had noticed how gaunt Spock had become - but there was so much he didn’t know about Vulcan physiology or what Kolinahr entailed.

Bones didn’t wait for an answer. “I don’t know how he’s still standing. That ritual of his is more than just getting rid of emotions, that’s for sure. He described it as riding himself of all desires, apparently including hunger and thirst.”

“But I thought it was over,” Kirk protested, his eyes narrowed as though if he looked hard enough he could see the explanation written on Bones’s face.

Bones shook his head. “A lasting side effect apparently,” he said with a grimace. “I couldn’t convince him otherwise, but maybe you could get through to him. If not, I don’t see how I’ll have a choice but to declare him unfit for duty.”

“I can’t let that happen,” Kirk said reflexively. “I’ll try to talk to him, though he hasn’t been listening to me either.”

“Good luck,” Bones said. He gave Kirk a sympathetic pat on the arm - Kirk immediately stiffened at the touch.

Bones just shook his head.

* * *

Kirk glanced around his quarters yet again, just to make sure everything was in place: the lights at a comfortable fifty percent, the table set for two with a flower from the garden in the center - nothing too much, just a little touch. It wasn’t supposed to be anything formal, just a captain and his first officer eating together.

Kirk let out a long breath and adjusted his low cut white shirt, wishing for hardly the first time that he was back in command yellow, but the new uniforms were the least of his problems.

He glanced around again, just to be sure.

Precisely on time, no sooner, no later, there was a chime at the door.

“Come in,” Kirk answered, maybe a little too quickly.

The door slid open to let Spock in. His eyebrows rose as he took in the scene before him.

Kirk tried to flash Spock an easy smile as he waved him inside, but it felt strained and seemed to do little to win the Vulcan’s confidence. So, Kirk let his expression fall and tried to lead Spock to the table, which bore a small sampling of Vulcan delicacies - or the closest replicated approximation.

Spock did not follow him. “This is not a briefing,” he remarked dryly.

“I thought, while you were here,” Kirk attempted to deflect with a gesture at the table. He hoped Spock found the strong scent of all the alien spices enticing.

Spock’s lips curved downward in a definitive frown. “Your behavior is highly illogical. Our relationship cannot return to what it was.”

“Why not?” Kirk demanded. “There’s nothing un-Vulcan-”

“You are attempting to engage me in a human romantic relationship despite my request to the contrary, is that not correct?” Spock demanded. His voice was level, but there was a sharpness to it.

“Why does it matter if it’s human or Vulcan?” Kirk exclaimed. “How do you  _ feel _ ?”

“What I feel is of no consequence,” Spock retorted.

“Then you’re just like V’Ger!” Kirk pounded his fist on the air for emphasis. “Isn’t that what you said?”

“You misunderstand,” Spock said as though his tangled web of logic should have been easy to unravel. “I am aware that attempting to rid myself of emotion was a mistake. Emotion is an essential part of my being like a necessary bodily function. However, that does not mean I must allow it to dictate my actions like a  _ human _ ” - he said the word like Kirk might have said “Klingon.”

“You’re human too!” Kirk took Spock by the shoulders even though he knew he shouldn’t. “I know we humans make mistakes - I know I have. But I’m not so sure the Vulcan way is any better.” He met Spock’s eyes once more and let his hands fall back to his sides.

“I acknowledge that I am  _ half _ human and that there are even advantages to human philosophy. However, just because I am of human heritage does not mean that I have any obligation to behave according to your principles. I have evaluated both the human and Vulcan ideologies and found the former to be inferior - you cannot argue that it has served you well. Therefore, I see no reason to indulge in your human customs.”

“Spock,” Kirk began, but any words that could follow caught in his throat before he even thought of anything to say. He tried to meet Spock’s eyes, but they were sharp and cold. For all Spock’s indifference, Kirk could feel his raw resentment.

“If there is not actually any matter of ship’s business about which I should be briefed, I will take my leave.”

When Kirk did not respond, Spock gave him a sharp nod, turned, and left.


	4. Chapter 4

“Bearing 243 mark 12,” Kirk ordered as he settled back into the captain’s chair.

“With all due respect, sir,” Chekov piped up, “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see, Lieutenant,” Kirk replied with a trace of a smile and returned to the reports he was reading.

Eventually, their course brought them to a planet.

“Standard orbit,” Kirk ordered.

“Class M with abundant life, many promising candidates for sentience, but none well studied. Preliminary scans suggest rich mineral deposits, all as of yet untapped,” Spock reported. “For what purpose are we here?”

Kirk ignored the question and said, “I’m beaming down with a small away team. Spock, you have the con.”

Spock made to protest, but seemed to think better of it. The captain was already on his way off the bridge, and so Spock took his place.

Spock did not have long to wait before Uhura reported, “A message from the away team.”

“Kirk to  _ Enterprise _ ,” the captain’s voice sounded over the intercom.

“Yes?” Spock quirked an eyebrow at him, though the captain could not see it.

“You’ll want to do a tighter sensor scan of our surroundings. I think we’ve stumbled on a Romulan outpost,” Kirk said, though it was clearly no accident.

“Mr. Spock,” Chekov cut in, “I’m detecting something on the other side of the planet.”

“Identify it, Lieutenant,” Spock ordered.

“I believe it is a Romulan vessel!” Chekov said.

Spock hesitated.

“What are you waiting for?” Dr. McCoy demanded, loitering in his usual place on the bridge. “Get Jim back up here!”

Spock warred within himself, but when he replied, there was no indication of uncertainty, “No, I will not risk the  _ Enterprise _ merely for the sake of its captain.”

“Are you out of your Vulcan mind?” Dr. McCoy exclaimed. “ _ Jim _ ’s down there! Do the Romulans even know we’re here?”

“I am aware of the composition of the away team. It seems the Romulans are not aware of our presence, and I intend to keep it that way. Mr. Sulu, plot a course to the nearest outpost, warp seven,” Spock said.

“Yes, sir,” Mr. Sulu replied.

“Mr. Spock, are you sure?” Uhura attempted.

Spock turned and gave her a look - she fell silent. “Mr. Sulu, proceed.”

The planet fell away and the stars blurred past.

But Dr. McCoy was not so easily dissuaded - or outranked - “I can’t believe you’re abandoning Jim on some godforsaken planet just because of whatever is happening between the two of you! If he wasn’t down there you would have beamed up the away team without a second thought. There’s no way he would have left you down there!”

“Admiral Kirk’s behavior is not always logical,” Spock replied dryly.

“Forget logic!” Dr. McCoy exclaimed.

“It is the duty of a captain to do what is best for his ship. If not, he would be unqualified for command,” Spock retorted, his attention still on the viewscreen ahead of them. “I cannot allow my regard for the captain to bias my decisions.”

“Biased against him - that’s what you are! I’m this close to declaring you not qualified for command,” Dr. McCoy snapped. “There was no reason to leave Jim back there and you know it!”

Spock turned to face Dr. McCoy properly, his eyes narrowed. “If you have cause to declare me unfit for duty, it is your prerogative to do so, otherwise I order you to return to your post in sickbay.”

Before Dr. McCoy could argue, Uhura reported, “Commander, I’ve picked up a recorded broadcast from the Romulan ship.”

“Transfer it to the viewscreen,” Spock ordered.

The stars were replaced by the inside of a Romulan Bird of Prey. Front and center stood a young Commander wearing a warrior's helmet and a sash across her chest. “Federation starship, we have Admiral Kirk. If you do not surrender, you will not see him again.”

* * *

Kirk stood in a bare cell, face to face with the Romulan commander. If he thought he had a chance he would have offered her a charming smile, but if his luck with Vulcans lately was anything to go by, it wasn’t worth trying, and she looked uninterested to say the least.

“Tell me, Admiral, why were you on our outpost? Where is your ship?” she demanded yet again.

“I don’t have one,” Kirk replied with a cocky grin. “I came to take you all on my own.”

She appeared utterly unamused. “Humans are not capable of long distance teleportation. You could not have reached the planet without a ship. Your lies accomplish nothing.” She repeated her question, “Where is your starship?”

“How can you be so sure about the limits of human technology?” he asked.

“You would have left while you had the chance,” she replied. “If we do not locate your ship, you will remain in Romulan custody for the remainder of your life - unless your Federation is willing to bargain for your freedom, and it will not come cheap.”

With that, she turned and left Kirk alone in his cell.

Spock was probably already looking for him. If this had happened during their first five year mission, there would be no doubt - many times Kirk had been separated from his ship and without fail Spock had been able to find him. But a lot had changed since then.

Kirk didn't even know what had become of the  _ Enterprise _ . Apparently it had evaded detection by the Romulans; maybe it was on its way to an outpost to tell the Federation what Kirk had found - that the Romulan invasion had already begun. Maybe Spock didn't know that Kirk had been captured, and even if he did, Kirk doubted even Spock had any idea where he was being held. By the time he figured it out Kirk could have been well into Romulan territory.

But Kirk could not just let it end there! He had finally returned to the captain’s chair after so long fighting tooth and nail. Even if the Federation did decide to bargain for his freedom in ten or twenty years, or even five, it would be too late; they had already given him one last chance, and they wouldn’t give him another.

The Romulans had left him with his communicator. If he could somehow maneuver around the restraints locking his wrists behind his back, he could turn it into a beacon to tell the  _ Enterprise _ where he was even from such a distance-

And lead them straight into a trap.

That was the reason the Romulans had allowed him to keep his communicator. There were guards posted at the door to his cell, watching his every move, and he didn’t know how to make a long distance transmitter that the Romulans wouldn’t be able to trace, especially if they were expecting it. To escape, he needed his ship, but doing so would bring it directly to the Romulans.

The  _ Enterprise _ was an even match for a Romulan Bird of Prey - Kirk would say one better in a fair fight - but in an ambush he had to admit their chances took a steep drop. If only he was in command, if he noticed it quickly enough, if he swerved left when they swerved right, just maybe the  _ Enterprise _ could pull it off…

He could have spent hours trying to think his way out of a purely hypothetical situation that he wouldn’t even be facing - and perhaps he did, with nothing better to do and no way to keep track of the time. But the answer always turned out the same. It was too much of a risk. A whole ship, the lives of four hundred people, could not be traded for one man and his career.

But still he tried to think of a way. He tested at the glowing cuffs around his wrists, turning this way and that to make it easier to move. He planned out exactly how he would turn a communicator into a long distance transmitter. He played out the fight between the  _ Enterprise _ and the Romulan ship over and over again in his mind. He imagined Spock’s look of relief at his miraculous return.

It didn’t have to end here! There was still some chance, some way, and he itched to take it! His ship  _ needed _ its captain and he  _ needed _ a ship to command. He could still pull it off and take back the command that was rightfully his!

But the truth was, maybe this was a sign that he didn’t belong in the captain’s chair any more after all.

* * *

The Romulans’ boots clicked against the hard floor as the commander and her entourage approached Admiral Kirk’s cell. Without a word to the guards, they entered the cell and forced Kirk to his feet to face her.

“Where is your ship?” she demanded.

He said nothing.

“Any information about the Federation will make your stay an easier one, perhaps even bring you a step closer to freedom,” she taunted him.

Still, he held fast.

“Your refusal to speak, while admirable, is inevitably futile,” she said at last. “We Romulans have methods for getting information out of those who are reluctant to speak aloud. They will leave you little more than a shell - a human may call it madness - but we will have our information. The choice is yours whether you give it willingly, or force us to take it.” The Romulan commander let her words sink in, and then she turned and left as quickly as she had come.

Again, Kirk was left alone in his quiet, empty cell. The only marker of the passage of time was the changing of the guards who rotated out in regular shifts, but they made little difference. None of them had anything to say to their prisoner - and he tried to get their attention.

Slowly the truth sank in. James T. Kirk would never captain a ship again. Even if he didn’t spend the rest of his life as a Romulan prisoner, it was only a matter of time before they got tired of his refusal to answer their questions and removed what information they could from him by force - though he doubted they could take everything, with how they pushed and delayed. But after that, he would never be fit to command a starship again.

It had all been for nothing. His only chance was to risk the destruction or capture of the ship that it was his sworn duty to lead and protect, and if he did that, then he wasn’t fit to command a starship anyway.

He pounded his fist against the wall in impotent frustration and let out a curse at the resulting sharp stab of pain in his hand.

He did not know how much time passed before the Romulan commander returned, expecting an answer.

Kirk was bitterly tempted to both surrender and attack, but instead he forced a smile and said, “Commander, there must be some other way. I know neither of us wants a war, and that’s what will happen if you keep an admiral hostage and try to capture a Federation starship. If your Empire was ready to invade properly, you wouldn’t have started by secretly taking uninhabited planets.”

“Your ship will have to retrieve you by force if you desire to leave Romulan custody,” she replied, unyielding.

“There must be something you want.” Kirk tried to gesture toward her in a suggestion of some alliance, but his hands were trapped behind his back.

“Yes, we want information about the Federation: your military secrets and plans,” the Commander answered, though they both knew he would not divulge them.

Kirk gritted his teeth at her immovability, but again he forced a smile. “There must be something in the interest of your Empire and the Federation, some common ground.”

“Clearly, you have not had long enough to think about what awaits you if you do not willingly provide the information we need. We will have it soon one way or the other.”

* * *

Commander Spock and a small security team materialized in a quiet corridor. A pair of Romulan guards were stunned before they could respond, but no one could stop the sirens from blaring. Red lights flashed along the halls.

The ship shook - outside the fight had begun.

The security team hurried down the hall. The ship was small and tightly organized and they moved quickly to the brig, where they found a row of cells, only a few of which were guarded. They stunned the guards and checked the prisoners. In the far cell, they found Admiral Kirk, lying on the ground, unconscious.

Spock flipped open his communicator. “Spock to  _ Enterprise _ , we have the captain. Prepare to transport back as soon as possible.”

“We’ll be ready soon,” Mr. Scott replied.

The ship shook again and then they dematerialized and reappeared back on the  _ Enterprise _ .

Dr. McCoy rushed up onto the transporter pad to tend to the captain. Spock stepped out of the way and immediately went to the intercom to call the bridge.

“Mr. Scott, retreat, warp nine,” Spock ordered.

“Yes sir,” Mr. Scott said.

* * *

Kirk jolted into awareness, ready to face whatever the Romulans had to throw at him. He had a faint memory of bright lights and being moved from one place to another, but somehow that hadn’t been enough to bring him to. And now, he found himself somewhere that was certainly not the brig of a Bird of Prey.

“Good, you’re finally up,” Dr. McCoy remarked, walking into Kirk’s field of view.

Kirk propped himself upright. “I thought I saw a familiar face - I thought I’d dreamed up a rescue for a moment there.”

“No, that pointy-eared hobgoblin you call your first officer decided to rescue you eventually - took him long enough,” Bones grumbled.

“You shouldn’t have come to rescue me at all,” Kirk said, even as he began to feel light-headed with relief that he was safe, back where he belonged. “How much damage did we take? How deep did you have to go into Romulan territory?”

“They were waiting for us in the Neutral Zone. The fight didn’t last very long, I think they just did a little damage to the shields. But we shouldn’t have needed to rescue you in the first place,” Bones said.

Kirk glanced down, reluctant to meet Bones’s eyes. “I know.” He hesitated. “I was so busy trying to stay in command that I didn’t even think to warn my crew about what they were going to be facing. It’s a good thing Spock acted as quickly as he did. The  _ Enterprise _ could have been destroyed before he even knew there was an enemy ship.”

Bones sighed. “Maybe you’re right, Jim, but we shouldn’t have left you down there. Spock abandoned you because there was a Romulan ship all the way on the other side of the planet that didn’t even know we were there. He could have beamed you straight back up and been on our way, but he refused because of his damn Vulcan pride!”

“Spock wouldn’t-” Kirk attempted to protest, and two years ago he couldn’t have believed it, but all of a sudden it didn’t sound so strange. “You’re sure it wasn’t necessary?”

“Oh, he said it was necessary for the sake of the ship, but there wasn’t any immediate danger - at least not that a few seconds would have mattered. Really it was to save his own hide from all those emotions he’s supposedly accepted.” Bones shook his head in exasperation.

“If that was the case, why did he risk the ship to go after me?” Kirk asked.  _ Why did he come back? _

“He realized his mistake fast enough after the Romulans announced they had you.  _ Then _ he was willing to drop everything and go running after you, but not a second sooner.”

Kirk nodded. It all fit together. As long as Kirk was fine Spock couldn’t care less, only if his life was in danger-

“Sorry Jim, I shouldn’t vent all my frustrations about Spock at you.” Bones was watching him warily. 

Kirk shook his head in an attempt to clear it. “He’s not the only one to blame.”

“Jim,” Bones began.

Kirk waved for him to stop. “I was almost willing to lure the  _ Enterprise _ into a trap and for what? The whole time I was up there the only thing I was really afraid of was losing my command.”

“No one wants to spend the rest of their life in a Romulan prison,” Bones snapped. “And I’d be more worried if you didn’t have something you cared about that much - it’s only human. For some reason you enjoy being responsible for four hundred people floating through space on a hunk of metal, and I can’t begin to imagine why, but there are worse things to care about.”

Kirk nodded. He wasn’t entirely convinced, but he was grateful for the effort.

“Now, stop moping around my sickbay!” Bones declared.

Jim hauled himself out of bed. He changed into a clean pale blue uniform and returned to the bridge.

“Admiral on the bridge!” Uhura declared as he stepped off the turbo lift.

All of the officers on the bridge stood and turned to look at the captain, as though to confirm that he was really there.

“Welcome back, sir,” Scotty exclaimed.

“It’s good to be back,” Kirk said with a grin. To the bridge at large he said, “At ease.”

Everyone sat back down and went back to work. Mr. Spock avoided meeting the captain’s eyes as he crossed the bridge to return to his station. His expression was flat with tightly controlled discomfort.

Kirk intercepted him, though he did not force Spock to face him. Kirk lowered his voice so only Spock would hear and said, “Go get some rest.” To be certain, he added, “That’s an order.”

Spock gave a sharp nod in acknowledgement and left the bridge the way Kirk had come.

Only once Spock was out of sight behind the closed turbolift doors did Kirk turn away and go down to reclaim his place in the captain’s chair. He could not help but smile, looking out over the helm and into outer space on the viewscreen.

He clenched his fist in determination and ordered at last, “Mr. Sulu, take us back to that Romulan outpost - we have an away team to rescue. Ahead warp seven.”

“Yes, sir,” Sulu replied with a smile.


	5. Chapter 5

The chime rang at the door to Kirk’s quarters and he promptly stood to answer it.

He expected to see Spock there, waiting in the corridor. As the door slid open, Kirk was somehow startled by how gaunt his first officer looked, how tightly drawn his expression was, as though he had receded into himself. There was something pained about his stiff countenance.

“Would you like to play a game of chess?” Spock suggested, his voice perfectly even.

Kirk could not hide the disappointment that flashed across his face - he had expected something a little more substantial - but waved Spock inside all the same. “Sure.”

Spock seated himself at the table and began to set up the chess board.

“Want anything to drink?” Kirk offered, as he replicated another cup of coffee for himself.

“No,” Spock replied, almost sharply indifferent.

Kirk wondered how long it had been since Spock had anything to drink - his voice was still rough from his time on Vulcan - but he knew to pick his battles. So, as soon as his coffee was ready, he sat down across from Spock and began to set up his side of the board. Spock showed no inclination to start a conversation, and so their game began in silence, broken only by the click of the pieces against the board.

Kirk could only stand it for so long. They went back and forth, turn after turn. He watched Spock, waiting for him to speak, but his eyes remained resolutely on the game as though he was playing against a computer, not a person. Spock could communicate as much in silences as with words, but under the circumstances, as a human, Kirk needed something more solid than that.

Finally, when the turn passed to him yet again, Kirk remarked as casually as he could, “Bones told me about what happened while I was gone. I want to hear your side of the story.”

The distinct trace of a frown crossed Spock’s face. When Kirk made no move to continue the game, Spock finally looked up and met his eyes. “I have no reason to presume that Dr. McCoy did not accurately convey the essentials,” he said, as though that would end the discussion.

“I want to hear it from you,” Kirk insisted.

Spock’s eyes narrowed with displeasure, accentuated by his sharp, angled eyebrows. Still he recounted, “During your first check in from the planet’s surface, Lieutenant Chekov reported the presence of a Romulan Bird of Prey on the opposite side of the planet. There was no indication that it had detected us and Dr. McCoy advised that I retrieve the away team before leaving orbit, but I decided that it was not worth the risk and ordered that we depart.

“We were en route to the nearest starbase when we received a transmission from the Romulan Bird of Prey, declaring that they had taken you captive and demanding that we surrender to ensure your safety,” Spock continued. “We located the Romulan vessel and discreetly pursued it until it stopped in the Neutral Zone. There, we ambushed it and beamed an away team aboard to locate you.”

Kirk had only one question. “Why? Why did you leave me there?”

“At the time, I believed it was the most logical course of action,” Spock replied simply. “I am aware of my bias in your favor and in an attempt to avoid acting on it, I left you in a dangerous situation when I should not have in direct contradiction with my duty as your first officer. I should have expected the Romulans to find you, but I did not.”

“And you came back for me to ease your guilt?” Kirk pressed, perhaps more harshly than he should have.

Spock hesitated. “When I discovered that you had been captured, I realized my mistake. My regard for you would not allow me to leave you in Romulan custody if there was a chance I could free you.”

Kirk looked down at the board as he turned Spock’s words over in his head. Finally he advanced a knight.

Spock seemed to examine the board, evaluating all the possibilities with his sharp Vulcan mind. However, before he moved to pick up a piece, he admitted, his voice low, “I believe my judgement was impaired by the resentment I have felt toward you since before I left Earth.”

“For not being a good enough example of humanity?” Kirk snapped.

Spock straightened his posture with all his Vulcan pride. “You act as though I abandoned you without reason when you made it perfectly clear that you no longer want me at your side.”

“When?” Kirk demanded. He could feel himself shaking. “When have I ever suggested that I don’t need you?”

“To need is different than to want,” Spock replied with more than a hint of condescension. “You appeared to be making every effort to reject anyone who could not provide an immediate solution.”

As though in slow motion, it all clicked into place. “You abandoned me when I needed you most just because I was a little testy?” Kirk exclaimed.

Spock’s eyebrows rose in imperious disbelief. “As I said, I was under the impression that my presence was no longer wanted.” More softly, he added, “Perhaps I was mistaken.”

“Spock, how could you-” Kirk attempted. He forced himself to take a deep breath and tried to steady his shaking hands. Only then did he meet Spock’s eyes once more. “Spock, I  _ always _ need you- always want you. Is that clear?”

“As long as that is the case, I have no intention of leaving your side,” Spock replied, his voice still stiff.

“Good,” Kirk said. “Good.”

Kirk stared down at the board for a lack of anywhere else to look. He could not meet Spock’s eyes.

Spock finally made another move and the game continued. Kirk began to close his trap around Spock’s king, but the vitriol in his aggressive advance had faded. Still, he claimed the victory with a sense of satisfaction.

As they reflexively set the board up once more, Spock remarked without looking up, “I am afraid that in allowing you to be captured by the Romulans, I have demonstrated the weaknesses in my Vulcan thought. Far from preventing me from acting on my resentment, logic enabled it, encouraged it even.”

“What will you do now then? Reject it too?” Kirk tried to keep his own lingering resentment out of his voice.

“I do not know,” Spock answered simply. He stared at the board, as though lost in thought.

An opening seemed to present itself, and so Kirk took it. Gently, he asked, “Instead of another game, want to stay for dinner?”

Spock glanced up from the board. “As I have informed Dr. McCoy, I no longer require as much sustenance.”

Kirk frowned, but he had expected Spock to say as much. He stole himself for a fight, but tried to prevent it, speaking as lightly as he could, “You may not require it, but I need you to be more than just alive. You’re supposed to be ready for combat if necessary - or have you forgotten regulations?”

Spock’s eyes narrowed a little. “Even a Vulcan undergoing Kolinahr is stronger than any human.”

“You’re not undergoing Kolinahr any more,” Kirk snapped. He let out a sharp breath and continued more evenly, “As my first officer, I need you at your best.”

Spock seemed to examine him. Kirk wondered if he saw the desperation that underlay Kirk’s words, or just baseless anger - Kirk wasn’t sure which was worse.

Finally, Spock said, “Very well, I will remain for a  _ small _ meal.”

They cleared away the chess board and prepared the table for a small meal.

As they ate, Kirk could not help but ask, “Did you lead that team onto the Romulan ship?”

“A captain should not order his crew into danger if he is not willing to lead them,” Spock replied - a smile crossed Kirk’s face at the familiar philosophy. “And it was only logical that I directly face the repercussions of my actions.”

Kirk nodded. He let out a sigh. “I shouldn’t have put you in that position in the first place. I was tired of everyone arguing with my decisions, so I didn’t tell anyone where we were going until you were already in danger.”

“We have both made mistakes,” Spock acknowledged.

On an impulse, Kirk raised his glass with half a smile and declared, “I propose a toast - to learning from our mistakes.”

Spock nodded in assent. “A most admirable objective.” He raised his glass as well - “To learning from our mistakes.”

* * *

“Give us a high orbit, Mr. Sulu, so we can break away at any sign of trouble,” Kirk ordered. “Any sign of the Romulans?” He turned to glance over his shoulder at Spock.

“If I detect a Romulan vessel, you will be the first to know, Captain,” Spock replied.

Kirk pursed his lips, but he probably should have been happy Spock’s sense of humor was back, as sharp as it could be. With a small smile, he signalled Uhura to open a channel - “Enterprise to away team, sorry for the delay, we’re ready to beam you back at your convenience.”

“Captain!” an officer answered over the intercom.“Is that you?”

“We thought the Romulans had you,” another put in.

“They did, but not for long, thanks to some quick thinking on the behalf of Commander Spock” - Kirk shot a glance at the skeptical-looking Vulcan behind him. “Is everyone down there doing alright? Ready to beam up?”

“Detecting a blip on the motion sensor, moving toward our present location, Captain,” Spock reported.

“We’re all ready, sir,” the officer said.

“Good.” Kirk glanced at Uhura - “Transporter, four to beam up.”

“The blip is closing, Captain. I believe it is a Romulan vessel preparing for an attack,” Spock said.

“Do we have them?” Kirk asked.

“Yes, sir,” Uhura replied.

“Shields up,” Kirk declared. “Mr. Sulu, warp seven, get us out of here, to the nearest Starbase!”

“Yes, sir,” Sulu said as a green light flashed across the viewscreen and the ship shook from impact. For an instant they could see a Romulan Bird of Prey hovering amidst the stars, before it faded out of sight once more.

“Now, Mr. Sulu!” Kirk insisted and they blasted out of orbit.

The ship shook from another impact.

“Shields holding,” Chekov reported, “But not for much longer.”

“They are not in pursuit,” Spock said. “Their cloaking device requires too much energy to remain cloaked at warp for long.”

Everyone on the bridge seemed to collectively let out a breath of relief.

The stars raced past as they rocketed through open space along the Neutral Zone. Eventually, everyone returned to whatever task they had been working on before. Kirk picked back up his virtual stack of technical manuals and resumed wading through his ship’s specifications.

The hours passed slowly. Kirk’s focus began to waver and the sentences seemed to blur together into an incoherent pile of jargon. Finally, he put down his reading and stretched his arms over his head, with half a mind to do another surprise inspection in engineering and see if he couldn’t learn a little more from Scotty while he was at it.

In the meantime, he glanced up at the helm and ordered, “Adjust course 356 mark 2.”

A sound from behind made Kirk turn around in his chair to find Spock watching him, his eyebrows raised in disbelief. Kirk gave Spock a pointed look that was not quite a glare.

“With all due respect, sir,” Spock remarked, “You have been on duty for twelve point three four hours and are displaying signs of fatigue. I recommend that you take this opportunity to rest.”

Kirk frowned. “Is that your medical opinion, Commander?”

“No, sir, merely an observation,” Spock replied, unperturbed.

As much as he didn’t like the idea, Kirk finally relented, “You’re right, we should all make sure we’re in top form in case the Romulans decide they want to be rid of us once and for all. Mr. Spock, you have the con.” And with that, he left the bridge.

* * *

“Computer, is Mr. Spock in his quarters?” Kirk asked.

“Affirmative,” the computer replied in a crisp feminine voice.

Kirk smiled a little sadly at the familiar response - unfortunately, Spock hadn’t had much cause to agree with him lately. “Call him,” Kirk ordered.

Spock appeared on the viewscreen, standing in the middle of his room. “Yes, Captain?” Spock said, impassive as ever.

“It looks like we’d have time for breakfast before we reach Outpost Four, if you’d care to join me,” Kirk offered.

Spock seemed to consider the suggestion for a moment before he finally replied, “Very well,” and turned off the viewscreen.

Kirk did not have long to wait before Spock arrived. He stood outside the door to Kirk’s quarters with his usual perfect posture, his hands clasped firmly behind his back. Kirk waved him inside.

“I did not realize that it had become standard protocol for the captain to dine with his officers,” Spock remarked.

It took Kirk a moment to realize that Spock wasn’t being serious. Though he remained guarded and a little aloof, there was no edge to Spock’s tone. He watched Kirk with faint bemusement, and if Kirk looked hard enough he wondered if he could even see the beginnings of a subtle smile.

Kirk couldn’t help but smile back. “No, not standard protocol,” he answered, a little distracted by Spock’s piercing gaze.

“Then you have not extended similar invitations to your other senior officers?” Spock asked.

“No, just you,” Kirk said. “This is an honor reserved for my First Officer only, if he’ll humor me.”

Spock bowed his head in assent. “Your efforts to encourage me to eat are admirable,” he said, a tad dryly, but there was warmth in his gaze. He was looking at Kirk as though he wasn’t entirely sure what to make of him.

Spock let Kirk lead him to the table.

“What do you want to eat?” Kirk asked.

Spock selected a simple hard Vulcan bread and Kirk went for standard rations.

Spock made no attempt to hide his skepticism as he watched Kirk sit down beside him with a plate of brightly colored blocks. “Certainly there are more palatable options.”

“I could say the same to you,” Kirk retorted, though he was clearly more amused than insulted. A little more seriously, he answered, “I had plenty of good food on Earth. This tastes like home.”

“That is highly illogical,” Spock replied.

“It is,” Kirk acknowledged with a smile. “Want a taste? That way you can see for yourself.”

Entirely unconvinced, Spock accepted the proffered fork and took a bite out of a blue cube. He seemed to contemplate it as he chewed. Finally he admitted, “The flavor is familiar.”

Kirk grinned at the small victory.

They each turned to their respective meals and ate in silence for a little while, still tentatively watching each other, each wondering what the other was thinking.

“It’s a shame we’ve been stuck on patrol duty,” Kirk remarked. “There's not much interesting for you to study out here.”

“There is a fascinating quasar in this sector. However, you are correct that, as a result of our mission, our attention has been forced to remain elsewhere,” Spock replied.

“That’ll be our next destination, after this is all cleared up,” Kirk declared.

Before either of them could say anything more, Uhura’s voice sounded over the intercom, “Bridge to Captain Kirk, we’ve reached Outpost Four.”

Kirk turned to Spock - “I think that’s our cue.” Into the intercom, he said, “On our way.”

They left their meal behind without a second glance and Spock followed Kirk out of his quarters, up to the bridge. Kirk replaced Sulu at the con, and gestured for Uhura to open a channel.

The head of the outpost appeared on the screen. “Admiral, what is it?” he exclaimed. “Have you found the Romulans.”

Kirk nodded. “I need you to patch us through to Starfleet Command; we have a message for them.”

The man’s eyes widened in surprise. “O-of course.”

He pressed a series of buttons and his image was replaced by an admiral seated at her desk. She watched Kirk expectantly.

“Captain Kirk of the USS  _ Enterprise _ reporting from the Romulan Neutral Zone,” Kirk explained. “We’ve located a Romulan outpost in Federation territory and have encountered at least one Bird of Prey. We have reason to suspect a there’s a larger invasion force concealed using their cloaking devices.”

The admiral nodded. “We were afraid the Romulans would try something like that. We’ll send reinforcements to help push them back to their side of the Neutral Zone, but the nearest ship is at least a few days away.”

“By the time they get here, we may already have the Romulans on the run,” Kirk said with a grin.

“Good,” the admiral replied. “I’ll send a few ships your way just in case.” With that, she signed off.


	6. Chapter 6

When their shift was over, Kirk invited Spock back to his quarters for dinner and a meeting.

“A real meeting this time,” Kirk explained a tad apologetically as they sat down at the table in his quarters.

Spock inclined his head in understanding. “It is not logical to lie about your intent.”

Kirk gave him a look, but quickly turned to the business at hand. “I want to figure out what the Romulans are up to and I want a plan before the other ships get here.”

Spock quirked a skeptical eyebrow at him, as though to ask why his presence was even necessary.

“It was a fluke that I found that outpost,” Kirk admitted with a shake of his head. “I was staring at the reports and all the planets in the area, and I couldn’t figure out where else all those ships could have been going. But there may be more that are better hidden, and I don’t know how to figure out how many ships have crept over the border. I need your logic.” Kirk gave Spock a sideways glance, a smile teased at the corners of his lips.

“As a member of your crew, my logic is at your disposal,” Spock replied.

Kirk would take what he could get. “Computer, display the starmap of this sector, overlaid with alleged sightings of Romulan vessels.” He turned to Spock. “I take it you’ve had a chance to read the reports?”

Spock looked at him as though he were attempting to decide whether to take the question as an insult.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Kirk replied. “In which case, I shouldn’t have to remind you that it’s your duty to report to me if you’ve figured something out that’s important to our mission or the safety of this ship.” 

“If I ‘figure anything out’ you will be the first to know,” Spock retorted. “I have merely formed some hypotheses.”

“I want to know your ‘hypotheses’ too. Your guesses are better to me than a lot of men’s proof.”

“It is not logical to guess,” Spock said, almost reflexively. “However, your orders are understood.”

“Good,” Kirk said and gestured for Spock to take it away.

“Given the reported sensor disturbances, it is highly unlikely for there to be fewer than four Romulan vessels in this sector and I hypothesize that there are at least six.”

“That’s a little small for an invasion force.”

“Yes, I believe I misjudged the Romulans intentions,” Spock admitted. “Your attempt on the Romulan outpost was informative - if ill-advised.”

Kirk frowned a little, but nodded for him to continue.

“It appears they are merely attempting to encroach on Federation territory and alter the boundaries of the Neutral Zone to their advantage,” Spock explained.

“I agree,” Kirk said, a hand on the table as though he was half-way to his feet. “The question is; they have one outpost, where are the others?”

Kirk stared at the map for a moment before suggesting, “There’s a lot of activity around Ursus IV, but I don’t know what they’d want there.”

“No,” Spock replied, “That is not a likely target. I hypothesize that they would choose a key strategic position, such as Cassus I or Orion IX, as their base of operations. However, neither system is likely given their known movements. Instead, I would propose Gallia III as a possible candidate.”

Kirk nodded. “What about- No,” he cut himself off with a shake off his head and returned his attention to the viewscreen. He went over the reported sightings, speaking as much to himself as to Spock, “First Outpost Four, then Six, then Ten - Twenty Seven must have been a different ship - then Three…” he trailed off. “I don’t know how you keep track of it all” - he glanced over at Spock.

Spock was watching him intently, evaluating him. Finally, he remarked, “I believe this exercise will be more productive if we attempt it at another time.”

“What? Why?” Kirk demanded.

“Humans require ample and regular sleep,” Spock replied, somewhere between impatient and bemused.

Kirk glared at him, but it lacked any real heat. “It’s a nice idea, but I have a ship to command.”

“It is highly unlikely that being well rested will impair your ability to do so.”

Kirk sighed. “There are more important things I have to do. The needs of the  _ Enterprise _ and her crew have to come first.”

Spock gave him a look.

“You saw what happened with the Romulans,” Kirk said.

But Spock remained unconvinced.

Kirk hesitated. He looked away and could not bring himself to meet Spock’s eyes. “I don’t know if I’m still qualified to be in command.” He rubbed at the back of his neck in discomfort.

Finally, he looked up and met Spock’s concerned gaze - for Kirk or the ship, he couldn’t tell.

“I’m not ready to give up quite yet,” Kirk said with half a smile, “But I have a lot of work to do to get back into shape. I already had to learn the hard way that what I want can’t come first.”

“I have questioned your competence on multiple occasions since my return from Vulcan,” Spock acknowledged at last. “However, you appear to learn from your mistakes. And I am certain that there is no one else in the Federation who cares about the  _ Enterprise _ as much as you do, nor, I find myself inclined to believe, anyone as well equipped to command it - your current state of fatigue notwithstanding.”

Kirk stared at him, wide-eyed with surprise. “Spock,” was all he managed to say. A grin spread across his face.

Spock gave him a subtle smile in return.

“Point taken,” Kirk said at last. “We'll finish up dinner and then I'll get some rest” - he punctuated the statement with a yawn that was only partly forced.

Once they were both done eating, Spock took his leave. Just before the door opened to let him out, he said quietly, “Good night, Jim.” And then he was gone.

* * *

“Take us to Gallia III, warp seven,” Captain Kirk ordered.

Spock watched the captain from the science station. Kirk looked comfortable - perhaps excessively so. He certainly lacked a Vulcan’s perfect, straight posture, but nor was he reclining. He held his command with a familiar pride.

Spock could see the moment the captain’s head began to turn, and then his back followed, as he twisted in his chair to glance up at Spock, as though seeking his approval - not that Spock was qualified to grant it. Kirk smiled at Spock the same way he always had, even though his features had been changed by the intervening years.

There was something helpless about the expression that played at Spock’s sympathies even as he knew the dangers of reciprocating. The open admiration and affection that Kirk offered were intoxicating despite all his faults and failures. But Spock was still a Vulcan, and so his features remained unperturbed aside from a pointedly raised eyebrow.

Kirk did not break away; his smile barely faltered. Their eyes held for seconds too long before the captain turned back to face the helm.

Spock returned to his duties at the science station, only glancing up every so often from the unremarkable readings to watch the captain. Kirk sat at the center of the  _ Enterprise _ . Yeomen hurried to and from his chair in the center of the bridge, bearing reports on every operation on the ship that required his approval. In between, he continued his seemingly endless reading - he was currently researching everything known about the Romulans and their military capabilities.

A few times, Kirk glanced over his shoulder and met Spock’s eyes for an instant, before hastily returning to his work.

Eventually, Sulu reported, “Captain, we’re entering the Gallian system.”

Kirk seemed to jolt into full awareness of his surroundings, but he did not take long to acclimate. “Sulu, drop down to impulse. Spock, anything on the sensors?”

“I detect nothing out of the ordinary,” Spock replied.

“Good” - he glanced back at Spock - “I want to know the instant you see anything; we don’t want a confrontation yet.”

“I presume you intend to preempt  _ another _ confrontation,” Spock corrected him, though the human inaccuracy was likely a harmless one.

The captain gave Spock a look before facing back toward the helm. A rocky planet approached on the viewscreen. “Sulu, give us a high orbit and be ready to leave at any moment. Spock, do you detect anything on the surface?”

“I detect no life forms,” Spock replied, scanning the sensors.

Kirk frowned, his brow furrowed in thought. “Any interference?”

“I do not detect anything out of the ordinary, though I will continue running sensor scans,” Spock said.

Kirk turned in his chair to face the science station. “How likely is it that you were wrong about the Romulans having an outpost here?”

Spock promptly answered, “I estimate a one in one hundred fourty three point six probability.”

“Higher than I expected,” Kirk said with a sly smile - he leaned in towards Spock almost conspiratorially. “But I would still bet on it. Do you think they could be using a cloaking device?”

“To conceal an outpost?” Spock clarified. “It is a possibility, however they would need to expend a considerable amount of energy to conceal a sufficient area.”

Kirk grinned. “In that case, wouldn’t it be logical for them to leave some holes, maybe on the sides if they’re mostly trying to hide it from anything above?”

“Perhaps.”

“Focus your scans on the horizon - tell me what you find.” Kirk turned back toward the front. “Mr. Chekov, keep your eye on the skies - if your sensors so much as blink, I want to know about it.”

“Yes, sir,” Chekov exclaimed.

“Something is interfering with the ship’s sensors,” Spock reported.

Kirk smiled back at Spock. “Unless you’ve got another explanation, I think that’s all the proof we need. Mr. Sulu, take us away, warp seven. I don’t want the Romulans to know we were ever here.”

As they blasted out of orbit and away from Gallia III, Kirk glanced at Spock again, before settling in his chair.

The remainder of their shift passed uneventfully. It was not long before he heard Kirk stretch and stand. The captain’s familiar footfalls traced the well-worn path from his chair to the science station.

“What do you say to dinner in my quarters, Mr. Spock?” the captain offered, standing just a little closer than would be typical for a Vulcan.

Spock turned to face him.

The captain held out a hand toward Spock, but did not reach quite close enough for him to take it - it was just a gesture that the captain likely knew better than to push. He smiled down at Spock; his eyes seemed to shine with a familiar warmth. The captain’s charisma was not all gone, it seemed, and Spock was sorely tempted by it.  _ This _ was where he belonged - or it could be.

Spock noted his emotional response, but elected not to express it. He stood, accepted the captain’s offer with a nod, and motioned for him to lead the way, watching him, evaluating him all the while.

Spock said little as they made their way to Kirk’s quarters and set the table for a small dinner for two. They began eating in silence, both of their eyes more on the other than their respective rations.

Finally, Kirk set down his fork and declared, “Out with it.” A little more gently, he asked, “Spock, what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing is ‘bothering’ me, precisely,” Spock replied. 

“But there’s something on your mind.”

“Yes,” Spock said, but admitted no more. Instead, he stared at Kirk, his eyes narrowed as though searching for his answer in the captain’s familiar features.

Kirk’s hazel eyes seemed to shine in the low light - to emulate ship’s evening, Kirk had said, but Spock did not miss his ulterior motive nor could he deny the intimacy it lent the moment; sitting across from each other, within arm’s reach, for a private dinner. The flower Kirk had acquired in his last misguided attempt to woo him sat on a nearby shelf, still in full bloom.

And across from him, Kirk sat patiently, watching Spock with some concern, perhaps, but Kirk made no further move to press him for a real answer. And even after everything, Kirk still made it clear that Spock was more than welcome by his side as a first officer, as a friend, and more if Spock desired it. Spock could not help but wonder how long it would last this time - how long would it be before Kirk pushed him away again - but it seemed that maybe Kirk had learned from his mistake.

And despite everything that had occured, Spock knew that pushing Kirk away was not the answer.

He met Kirk’s warm eyes - a little more guarded perhaps, but welcoming all the same - and, at long last, held out a hand to him, his first two fingers extended in a familiar gesture.

It seemed to take a moment for Kirk to register what Spock intended, and then his face broke into an open smile. He ignored Spock’s hand in favor of fixing him with the full intensity of his gaze. Even before their fingers touched, Spock could almost feel the force of Kirk’s very human emotions that would sweep away all of his controls if he was not careful.

But to his surprise, Kirk made no move to reciprocate the gesture. His hands remained folded in front of him, pointedly restrained.

Spock rescinded the offer. He noted a stab of bitterness that crossed his mind, but which he would not allow to influence his actions.

Kirk’s smile faded, but did not vanish entirely. “Spock,” he said at last, “Are you sure?”

Spock made to protest, but Kirk motioned for silence.

“It has to go both ways,” Kirk attempted to explain. “I need to be able to express my feelings for you too or it won’t work.”

“You are not satisfied with a purely Vulcan relationship?” Spock clarified.

Kirk shook his head. “It doesn’t matter to me whether it’s human or vulcan, as long as it’s  _ ours _ .” He held up a hand to preempt another interruption. “You don’t have to agree to anything, just consider it. We need to be able to trust each other.”

Spock nodded. “Very well.”

Kirk gave him a warm smile that illogically almost seemed to light up the room all on its own.


	7. Chapter 7

“Gentlemen!” Admiral Kirk exclaimed at last, nearing the end of his rope.

Once all the formalities were over, the admiral, the captains of all four ships that had been called to the Romulan Neutral Zone, and Commander Spock, had gathered in the  _ Enterprise _ ’s conference room to discuss their plan of action, but so far all they had done was shout among themselves.

Only when the room had fallen silent did Kirk amend his call to order to encompass all who were present - his first officer aside - “Captains.” Then he began the meeting proper - “In the wake of the V’Ger incident, the Romulans have launched a silent invasion, we believe in an attempt to move the border of the Neutral Zone in their favor. We’ve discovered three Romulan outposts in Federation territory and suspect they’re being defended by at least six, if not seven cloaked Birds of Prey.”

Kirk allowed the captains a moment to take it in, but did not give them a chance to argue before he continued, “They think we’ve been weakened enough that we’ll just let them get away with it. We have to hit them hard and fast - let them know we’re still around and won’t give up without a fight.”

“You’re going to start a war!” Captain Ramirez exclaimed. He was an old man who had been on friendly terms with Kirk once, though he hadn’t taken too well to the admiral’s early promotion.

Before Kirk could argue, Spock retorted, “If we do not act, war is inevitable. The Romulans will attack at any sign of weakness, therefore, we must show no such weakness.”

Kirk motioned for silence and Spock complied, though he looked none too pleased with it. Kirk turned back to face Captain Ramirez. “Mr. Spock is right, the Romulans will only enter a fight they know they can win. If we shut them down now, they’ll know better than to push farther in the future. We have enough ships to destroy all of their outposts simultaneously. The  _ Endeavor _ will destroy the outpost on Arctus VI, the  _ Stargazer _ will take Iona I, the  _ Republic _ will take Vecton IIX, and the  _ Enterprise _ and the  _ Valiant _ will destroy their key outpost on Gallia III. If you’re attacked, engnage and signal the rest of us to convene on your location.”

“It’s too dangerous!” Captain Hakim - the youngest captain present - exclaimed. “If they call reinforcements we’ll all be done for.”

“We need a larger fleet,” Captain Luo insisted, “Then we can face them outright.”

“We don’t have a larger fleet,” Kirk snapped. “I’m sorry, but you’re all I’ve got.”

“And why is the  _ Valiant _ assigned to work directly with the  _ Enterprise _ ?” Captain Johnson demanded, clearly affronted by the perceived suggestion that he required supervision.

“What we really need to do is open up talks with the Romulans,” Captain Ramirez cut in.

“We can’t face them directly” - Captain Hakim pounded her fist on the table for emphasis. “We have to be discreet like the Romulans.”

“We don’t have a choice!” Admiral Kirk forced himself to his feet to reclaim control of the meeting. “We have to show the Romulans our strength and we have to do it now.”

Captain Luo stood to challenge him. “I tell you, we’re not strong enough! We need reinforcements from Starfleet.”

“We  _ need _ to disable their ships, then we can worry about the outposts,” Captain Johnson argued, on his feet as well - and the others followed him.

The admiral could feel a tension headache coming on. Finally he snapped, “Those are your orders! You’re all dismissed!”

The room erupted into shouting, but Kirk just turned and left, motioning for Spock to follow. To his relief, his First Officer complied. They walked to Kirk’s quarters in silence.

Only when the door closed behind them, did Kirk let out a long, deep breath. For a moment, he just stood there, rubbing at his forehead. Thankfully, Spock seemed to know better than to comment.

Finally, he said, “Kirk to bridge - when the captains arrive at their ships, tell them to stand by and await further orders. Twenty four hours should be enough. I want everyone fresh and ready for combat by then.”

“Understood,” Uhura replied. If she had any inkling of what had happened, she kept it to herself.

“Kirk out.”

Only after the intercom gave way to silence did Spock remark, “Forgive me if I do not see the strengths of your human philosophy after such a demonstration.”

Kirk turned to glare at him, but it did not last. He glanced away with a shake of his head, and then met Spock’s eyes again. “Even I don’t have the ego to say I’ve ever given a good demonstration of humanity’s strengths.”

Spock gave him a skeptical look.

“Even when I was at my best, I was just trying to live up to  _ your _ Vulcan standards. I don’t think  _ anyone _ is good enough to demonstrate the value of being human.” Kirk hesitated before taking the plunge, “And if that’s what it’ll take for you to stay, I can tell you right now we don’t have a chance.”

“Captain,” Spock protested, though his voice quickly turned strident, “I merely intended to remark on the merits of human philosophy, not on your quality as a partner.”

Kirk sighed. “Spock, I can’t be your example of humanity. I wish I could, but it’s just not possible; no one can. I’ll never live up to your standards.”

“I am aware that no one can be perfect,” Spock replied, almost impatient. “How do you expect me to evaluate the merits of human philosophy without observing its outcomes?”

“It isn’t adhering to a philosophy that makes you human.” Kirk gave an emphatic wave of his arm for emphasis. “There isn’t a single ‘human philosophy.’” He hesitated. “Spock, you can act like a Vulcan all you want, it doesn’t matter to me, but you are half human whether you ‘act like one’ or not,” he said as gently as he could.

“I am aware,” Spock replied, his voice sharp.

Kirk let out a long sigh. “Spock, I’m sorry I haven’t been myself lately - for a while now. But don’t let that ruin your view of your own humanity, especially not when you  _ can _ set a pretty good example yourself.”

Spock raised his eyebrows is obvious skepticism, but he seemed to consider Kirk’s point. At last he acknowledged, “Perhaps you are also owed an apology. I should not be so hasty to judge your behavior when I am not setting an impeccable example.”

Kirk nodded in understanding. He watched Spock, almost waiting for him to say something more. Instead, Spock observed Kirk in return, no doubt evaluating him.

Finally, Kirk forced his attention back to the matter at hand. “We have a plan to salvage. What were all the captains’ complaints?”

Spock rattled them off with Vulcan precision, which Kirk could have done without, but the point was clear - with only five ships against six or seven Birds of Prey, they didn’t have a chance in a straight fight.

After a moment’s thought, Kirk remarked, “Spock, could you rig something up that would look like a cloaked ship on the Romulans’ sensors?”

“Yes, I believe so,” Spock replied.

* * *

"Is everyone in position?" Kirk asked without as much as glancing away from the helm.

"We're receiving a transmission from the  _ Stargazer _ ," Uhura reported. "They've spotted a Romulan vessel and are taking evasive action."

"Good, send acknowledgment and signal the others to standby. We want the strike to be as simultaneous as we can make it," Kirk ordered. He turned to look over his shoulder at the science station. "Spock, do you detect anything in the area?"

“Negative, sir,” Spock replied. “If I detect anything, I will inform you without delay,” he reassured Kirk with a touch of irony.

Kirk grinned, perhaps a little sheepishly, and turned back to face the viewscreen ahead. “Any word from the others?” He asked.

“All clear,” Uhura said. “ _ Republic _ requesting permission to proceed.”

Kirk frowned - he knew he was pushing his luck. “Have them hold on just a little longer. Status of the  _ Stargazer _ ?”

Uhura shook her head. “Last word was evasive action.”

Kirk tossed the options back and forth in his mind, arguing this way and that, but he knew they didn’t have the time to waste. They were working on borrowed time already, practically waiting for the Romulans to find them. It was either attack or pull out and try again. Finally, he said, “Tell the  _ Stargazer _ to use one of the decoys to lead the Romulans away from the outpost, we’ll come in and attack while they’re distracted.”

“Captain,” Spock interjected, “With all due respect, the  _ Valiant _ is smaller and faster than the  _ Enterprise _ and therefore better suited to this task.”

Kirk pursed his lips, but answered with a nod. “Right you are Mr. Spock.” He turned to Uhura - “I want the  _ Valiant _ to get to Iona I as fast as they can and get in position. Do everything they can to stay out of sight unless the  _ Stargazer _ is directly under attack.”

“Orders acknowledged,” Uhura reported.

“Mr. Sulu, get us into position to fire,” Kirk ordered,.

A tense silence settled over the bridge as they rounded on the planet. It was by all appearances barren, with no evidence of sentient life on its surface, but if they aimed their sensors at the horizon just right, they could detect some disturbance indicative of a cloaking device. They just had to wait a little longer...

Kirk kept glancing over his shoulder at Spock, who sat unperturbed at the science station, his intense gaze fixed upon the sensors. He was sorely tempted to ask yet again if Spock detected anything, but knew better - if anything so much as sneezed within their sensor range, he wouldn’t need to ask.

As though he could sense the captain watching him, Spock finally turned around just long enough to meet Kirk’s eyes and convey his pointed disbelief - a silent suggestion that perhaps the captain ought to have better things to do than watch his first officer work.

Kirk couldn’t help but give him half a smile in response.

Their gaze held for just a moment too long, as though they were each waiting for the other to look away.

Spock deliberately returned to his duties, and Kirk hastily returned his attention to the front.

“Word from the  _ Valiant _ ?” Kirk asked.

“The  _ Stargazer _ has successfully led the Bird of Prey away from Iona I. The  _ Valiant _ is entering the system now,” Uhura replied. “Another request from the  _ Republic _ to proceed.”

“On my signal,” Kirk said, a hand raised to tell them to wait, though no one was looking at him. “As soon as the outpost is destroyed, get out of there at full speed.”

“Acknowledged,” Uhura said, with a hint of impatience.

Kirk met Chekov’s eyes for an instant before he declared, “Now!”

A bright green beam burst from the  _ Enterprise _ ’s forward blasters and hit the planet’s surface, creating a plume of smoke. It swept across the ground until, at last, Kirk raised a hand to signal it to stop.

As the smoke cleared, it revealed the ruins of a small outpost.

“Mr. Sulu” - Kirk didn’t even have to complete the order.

“On it, sir,” Sulu replied, and took the  _ Enterprise _ out of orbit. They fled out into open space before the Romulans were any the wiser.

Kirk glanced over his shoulder to share a grin with Spock, who was watching him with faint bemusement.

“The word from the others?” Kirk asked.

“Success,” Uhura announced with a smile. But before the rest of the bridge could cheer their victory, her face fell and she held a hand up to her ear to better hear the incoming transmission. “Word from the  _ Endeavor _ , they’ve been spotted by a Romulan Bird of Prey and have no choice but to fight.”

“We are the nearest Federation ship to their location,” Spock remarked.

Kirk nodded in agreement. “We’re on our way. Tell the others to get there as fast as they can, but stay out of sight when they arrive.” He turned to Spock - “We need to scare them off, and fast. If we show up, they’ll just call for backup if they haven’t already, and we can’t win in a head to head fight.”

“An entire fleet is at your disposal,” Spock replied with a trace of a smile.

“Good,” Kirk said. “We just need to make them think we’re invisible too...” He abruptly turned to face Uhura - “Tell the  _ Endeavor _ to lead them into a star system if they can - it doesn’t matter which as long as it’s uninhabited.”

“They’ll try,” Uhura said after a moment’s pause.

Kirk turned back to the helm. “Get us there as fast as she’ll go, but slow down just before we’re in visual range. Mr. Spock, as soon as we’re in sensor range, turn on the ‘fleet’ and calculate the trajectory we need to stay out of their line of sight.”

When the  _ Enterprise _ entered the star system, they found the  _ Endeavor _ in distress, surrounded by two Romulan vessels.

Throwing his planned cautious approach to the wind, Kirk declared, “Spock, turn on the ‘fleet,’ attack formation. Tell the  _ Endeavor _ to retreat as soon as it gets the chance.”

The  _ Enterprise _ charged past the Birds of Prey at warp, blasting them with phasers and a wave of photon torpedoes as it passed. Before they could turn to return fire, the  _ Enterprise _ darted behind a bright blue gas giant.

“Romulan vessels closing,” Mr. Spock reported.

“Try to use our ‘fleet’ to distract them,” Kirk ordered. “Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, let’s give them another run.”

As their invisible entourage shifted around them, The  _ Enterprise _ darted out from beneath the planet and blasted past the Romulan vessels in a barrage of phaser fire, before it slipped back behind another planet.

“Mr. Spock, cover us,” Kirk said as they waited just out of sight.

A burst of phaser fire flew below the  _ Enterprise _ , passing through where it had been just moments before. Another followed shortly after.

But neither Bird of Prey came into view.

“Romulan vessels closing on the  _ Endeavor _ ,” Spock reported.

“Again,” Kirk declared.

Again, the  _ Enterprise _ bolted out of hiding, blasting the Romulans as it passed on its way to another shelter. The Romulans fired after it, but it seemed the invisible ships were enough to distract them.

Kirk was about to order another attack when Uhura spoke up from communications, “Captain, the  _ Valiant _ and the  _ Stargazer _ are entering the star system.”

“Tell them to keep out of sight, but to attack if they see an opening,” Kirk replied. To the others, he said, “Let’s give them that opening.”

As the  _ Enterprise _ charged past the Romulans, another phaser blast came from just below a nearby planet. Spock identified it as the  _ Endeavor _ just before it retreated back behind the planet.

Once the  _ Enterprise _ was likewise sheltered behind yet another planet, Uhura reported, “Receiving a transmission from the  _ Valiant _ .”

“Put them on,” Kirk said.

Captain Johnson appeared on the viewscreen, seated in the center of a bridge that almost mirrored the  _ Enterprise _ ’s. “I request control of the simulated ships.”

“Why?” Kirk demanded, his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“Bluntly, you’re not doing anything with them,” Captain Johnson replied, torn between defiance and discomfort.

“And you have an idea of how to handle them better?” Kirk insisted.

“Yes,” Captain Johnson exclaimed.

Kirk frowned. He glanced back at Spock as though his first officer might hold the answers, but Spock’s face remained impassive as ever, as though watching Kirk to see what he would do.

Finally, Kirk nodded and said, “Then they’re yours. Commander Uhura, tell the others to inform the  _ Valiant _ when they plan to attack.”

“Thank you, Admiral,” Captain Johnson said and signed off.

“Another hit!” Mr. Chekov announced as their view of the inside of the  _ Valiant _ was replaced by the planet ahead. “The Romulan vessels’ systems are faltering. They won’t last much longer now.”

“Shall we do the honors,” Kirk suggested.

The  _ Enterprise _ charged out at the Romulan Birds of Prey once more.

“Another Romulan-” Spock began to say, when the ship shook from the impact of a phaser blast from behind.

“Get us out of sight as fast as you can,” Kirk ordered.

“They hit the warp engines,” Uhura reported. “Severe injuries, but no casualties.”

The  _ Enterprise _ shook from another blast just as they slipped behind the nearest planet.

“Damage reports?” Kirk asked. “Spock, are they still on our tail?”

Spock was the first to reply, “Negative, Captain.”

“Sir, it’s the  _ Republic _ !” Uhura exclaimed with a grin, “They caught the Romulans from behind!”

“What’s the word on the engines? Are we up for one more attack?” Kirk asked.

“I think so, sir,” Uhura replied.

“Tell all the captains to attack on my signal,” Kirk said.

“They’re all standing by, sir,” Uhura said.

“Now!” Kirk declared.

The  _ Enterprise _ dropped just below the planet, so they could see the Romulan Birds of Prey on the viewscreen, huddled together as though surrounded by invisible ships. A barrage of phaser fire came from all angles - the  _ Enterprise _ only one of a small fleet.

And then the Federation ships vanished back behind the planets to prepare for the next round.

“Open a broadcast channel, code 2,” Kirk ordered.

“Ready, sir,” Uhura said.

“Let them go,” Kirk said, and then signalled her to close the channel with a sharp wave.

Almost immediately, she spoke up again, “Receiving a transmission from the  _ Republic _ .”

Kirk nodded and the view of the planet was replaced with Captain Luo, sitting on the bridge.

“Admiral, with all due respect,” Captain Luo protested, “We can’t let them go now! You know the Romulans, that’ll be a sign of weakness as sure as surrendering!”

Kirk tensed for a fight, but the real battle was already over. He let out a long, steady breath and answered, “I don’t want to destroy them if we don’t have to. And this way they can go back and tell their Empire how strong the Federation is - make it clear it wasn’t just some fluke.” He smiled a little - “We went through all that effort to put on a good show, it would be a shame for it to go to waste.”

Captain Luo frowned. “And what if they discover it was all a show?”

Kirk nodded in understanding. “It’s a risk, but that could happen whether we destroy them or not; there are still more Romulan ships in the sector. Hopefully, this way we’ll scare them all out in one go, and next time they’ll think twice before attacking us again - and if not, at least next time the rest of the fleet might not be so busy with the Klingons.”

Captain Luo didn’t look entirely convinced, but replied, “Understood,” and signed off all the same.

Kirk let out a breath of relief as the viewscreen darkened, showing the planet in front of them once more.

“Captain,” Spock reported, “The Romulans are retreating.”

“Good,” Kirk said, a smile spreading across his face, “Convey my congratulations to our fleet.” He glanced around the bridge - “This crew especially has performed outstandingly on a less than ideal mission. Thank you, everyone. She may look a little different, but the  _ Enterprise _ is still the best ship in the fleet.”

A cheer went around the bridge.

As everyone else stood and chattered away to let off the steam of a stressful battle, Kirk ordered Mr. Sulu, “Get us to the nearest starbase.”

Finally, his duty done for the time being, Kirk stretched his arms over his head. He forced himself to his feet and was drawn, perhaps inexorably, to the science station, where Spock sat, still pouring over sensor readings.

“Any sign of the other Romulan ships?” Kirk asked, a casual hand on the back of Spock’s chair.

“Negative,” Spock replied, finally glancing up from his work. He quirked an eyebrow at Kirk.

Kirk smiled at the familiar expression. “We’ll probably be waylaid at a Starbase for a few hours anyway, you might as well take a break while we can.”

“I would advise the same of you,” Spock remarked, though he made no move to take the advice.

They watched each other, as though waiting for the other to make the first move.

Finally, Kirk suggested, “Dinner?”

Spock obliged, pushing himself to his feet. His hand just barely brushed against Kirk’s.


	8. Epilogue

Spock found Kirk standing alone in a quiet corner of the observation deck, his eyes fixed upon the stars. In the hours since he had left the bridge, the captain had changed from the new standard pale blue uniform to his more flattering white tunic.

Kirk startled belatedly in response to the sudden noise of Spock’s arrival and greeted him with a smile, “I’m surprised you’re not glued to your instruments.”

The Federation had finally accepted their conclusion that the Romulan invasion was over, and allowed the  _ Enterprise _ to resume its exploratory mission. As Captain Kirk had promised, their first destination was a small quasar a few light years away. Now, the  _ Enterprise _ hovered on the edge of the cloud of gasses surrounding the quasar, running probes and taking measurements.

“They collect data with the same efficiency regardless of my presence,” Spock replied. Kirk’s knowing expression suggested that he understood the subtle humor behind Spock’s haughtiness.

Kirk seemed content to let it rest at that. He made no move to press the conversation further, or to draw Spock over to his side as perhaps he once would have done. Instead, he merely watched Spock, as though he could communicate whole volumes through his gaze alone, when in truth Spock was so often perplexed by his humanness. Kirk smiled at him as though that was the only invitation Spock needed. If nothing else, he could feel Kirk’s welcome as clearly as if their minds were touching, but what the invitation was to precisely, he could not tell.

Suddenly uncertain of what to say, Spock instead glanced past Kirk, to see what he had been looking at out the window. Kirk turned around to follow his gaze, and to Spock’s surprise, began to walk away, until he was back where he had been standing when Spock entered.

Kirk waved Spock over - “Here, this is a better angle.”

Spock obliged. He did not miss how Kirk stepped aside to put some space between them, as Spock took the place where Kirk had been standing.

Spock turned to get a proper look out the viewport. Before him, stretching out in almost all directions was a swirling haze of blue gas. It drew toward the  _ Enterprise _ in luminous tendrils, drifting ever so slowly through space. He had seen much grander spectacles through the eyes of V’Ger, but they held no wonder, sanitized by an emotionless mind. Nor was this the first quasar or quasar-like phenomenon that Spock had seen in service on the  _ Enterprise _ , but he had spent much more time hunched over his sensors, analyzing the readings as they arrived, than he had observing the phenomena with his own eyes.

At last, Spock looked back at Kirk - the reason he had come here to begin with - who was watching him with clear satisfaction. “Captain-” Spock began.

“You can call me Jim,” Kirk suggested with just a touch of humor, as he had not long after they first met, seven and a half years ago.

“Jim,” Spock began again, his voice softer with the weight of such a personal address, but he did not get far.

Jim watched him, waiting patiently as Spock hesitated, combing over the words in his mind yet again just to be certain.

At last, Spock continued, “I do not know if the conclusion I have come to is a logical one, nor if it is desirable for it to be. However, I know that my feelings for you remain, as does my desire to be by your side.”

“Are you sure?” Jim insisted. “I don’t want to try again, just for it to all fall apart.”

“Would it not be your advice to trust my feelings?” Spock asked.

“Do you?” Jim pressed.

Spock gave a slow nod. “I believe so. They have not changed, possibly since shortly after we first met.” He hesitated. “I am under the impression that your feelings are likewise unchanged - is that incorrect?”

Jim shook his head. “I just hope that’s enough,” he said with a rueful smile.

Again, Spock hesitated, but at last he admitted, “Despite my recitience, the affection you have continued to show me has been” - he paused - “appreciated.”

Jim allowed himself a small, hopeful smile. “Spock, I-” he cut himself short and looked to Spock, for him to set the pace.

But Spock was watching Jim, his eyes ever so slightly narrowed as he waited, wondering what Jim would do next. An unspoken invitation seemed to linger in the air along with the question of whether Jim would take it.

And so, Jim slowly, cautiously reached out a hand toward Spock, his first two fingers extended.

The tension that had tightened Spock’s shoulders and sharpened his gaze seemed to dissipate. Still, there was something nervous in his flat expression as Spock hesitantly reached out his hand to meet Jim’s, as though taking a plunge.

Their fingertips brushed together, soft and warm. Spock’s eyes widened a little as he processed the full force of Jim’s human emotions. Spock otherwise appeared unmoved, but as their hands drew apart, his lips turned upward with the slightest trace of a smile.

Even as they separated, Jim held Spock’s gaze. There was something helpless, almost like awe in Jim’s smile and Spock could only stare back at him in wonder that he could elicit such a response.

Eventually, Jim turned and led Spock’s attention back to the viewport, through which they could see the massive quasar swirling silently in space. It seemed only natural for Spock to drift a little closer to Jim’s side, so that their arms just bumped up against each other.

With a cautiousness that once would have seemed uncharacteristic, Jim ever so gently leaned his head against Spock’s shoulder. Spock glanced over at the sudden warm weight resting against his side, but made no effort to move away.

Jim let out a shaky sigh of relief. It had been much, much too long. The solid warmth of Spock at his side hardly felt real.

Their hands brushed together and a familiar comfort passed between them at long last.

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has stuck with the story until the end! All of your support and enthusiasm really makes all the hard work well worth it!  
This actually isn't the end. I hope you'll join me for the next phase of Kirk and Spock's recovery from The Motion Picture in the sequel, "How Do We Know About Any of Us?"


End file.
